Has my fairytale ended?

If you had asked me, when I was younger, if I ever thought I'd be a stay-at-home mom, I probably would have told you that you were crazy for even asking such a question. When I became a mother, my ideals of what I wanted for myself and my family totally changed. I had originally planned on going back to work after having Kaylee - even up until she was born. Of course, when I held my precious baby girl, I knew that it wouldn't ever be possible to leave her. Fortunately, Gene's work has allowed for this, and I am beyond grateful for the years I have had to be with my baby girl through every single moment of her life! Our plans, since then, have remained the same. I would stay at home with all of our children until they all reach school age. Our plans, though, didn't include a downward spiral of our economy, and the past couple years have been pretty tough on our family. I have put a lot of thought into how I could help our situation, and the most logical answer I have is for me to go back to work. There is one big reason I am opposed to this, though, and his name is Bryson.

Every time I even think about him or stare into those soulful brown eyes of his, it breaks my heart to think of someone else raising my son. There is not a single person that can love and nurture Bryson as well as I can. Nobody else knows his cry and what it means. Nobody else deserves to see his first step and hear his first word said for the first time more than me. How can I leave my baby to be someone else's after-thought? Why would God allow me this precious gift and not allow me to be there for him? Yes, I am being selfish. I am sad and brokenhearted at the thought. I am overwhelmed with guilt for not being able to be a part of our son's life the way I have been with our daughter's. I, honestly, don't know if I can do it. I don't think I am strong enough to.

I realize that women go to work and leave their children in the care of others every single day. I have many friends who are working mothers, and I admire them for being able to juggle all of the day-to-day activities of being wives, mothers and working women. For some of them, they have careers that they are passionate about. For others, it's a matter of livelihood.

Fredericksburg isn't exactly the mecca for good paying jobs, and even with a Bachelor's and Master's degree under my belt, I don't foresee myself finding employment that is going to be majorly beneficial to my family. Even when I was working, before Kaylee was born, I never even made over $20,000 in a year while working a fulltime job. Take away childcare from that, and what is left? I will have to put Bryson in daycare, plus have to have someone to care for Kaylee afterschool and take her to all of the activities she is involved in. With Kaylee being in school in Harper, I will have to find someone willing to take her to Fredericksburg at least two days a week for dance, alone. How much will all of this cost us, and how much will I end up actually bringing to our family in the end?

I have given thought to several options that would work out better for us, but everything will require some sacrifice. I have thought about substitute teaching, but what will I do with Bryson on those days? My mom could take him on occasion, but she has things to do on her days off, too.  If I could find someone who could take him on short notice and randomly, I would be more than willing to do this! I would love to get serious about my photography, but that would require having people that would actually want me to photograph their children and families. That takes time, but it's something I would really love and enjoy doing. I could watch a couple kids, which is totally do-able, but parents would have to be open to me taking them along with me when I run Kaylee to her afterschool activities. I'm sure Bryson would love having someone to play with, here at the house, though! I've even given thought to working evenings or nights. Who needs sleep, anyways? I'd give it up for my family...they are worth the sacrifice.

Where does Gene stand on all of this? Well, he is opposed. He doesn't think me working nights would be a suitable option since there are lots of mornings where he has to leave at 2 or 3 in the morning for work, and the kids wouldn't have anyone to be home with them during that time. At the same time, he doesn't want someone else taking care of Bryson, other than me. He said that something bad would happen to him, and we'd never forgive ourselves. We are at a stalemate.

I am open to any suggestions that anyone has, at this point. Truthfully, if I could even find something temporary to help out for the next few months, we'd probably be okay.

Would anybody interested in booking some photo sessions with an amateur photographer? I'd be willing to do one-hour sessions for a $50 session fee, and I'd give you a CD with all the edited images and rights to print as you please. If I could build up some clientele, it would be a great jumpstart to doing something I really enjoy. Here is some of my work, if you haven't already seen it:

If you are interested, or have any helpful advice about our situation, I'd love to hear from you! Until then, I am praying for strength, understanding and answers.

Love and blessings,
Jessie



I just finished up on the custom painted canvas of Kaylee's name for her bedroom door, and it turned out wonderful! I was inspired while searching Pinterest, of course... It was there that I came across a custom painted name canvas for sale on Etsy for a whopping $85!!!

That's when I thought, "Wait a minute!!! I had six years of art classes during my school days, so why can't I do that??!!!" What do you know, it was just like riding a bike! It turned out so cute that I decided that it might be something I can use to bring in a few extra dollars to help pay those dance school bills! ;)

So, if you or someone you know is in the market for a custom painted name canvas, please let me know! This one is 11x14, and I would be willing to do it for $30. Whether it be a sports theme for a boy or a ballet theme for a girl, different fonts and numerous colors... I should be able to paint just about anything! It would make a great gift, too! Let me know if you are interested!

Love and Blessings,
Jessie

A Blog About Me...If You Please!

Before I had the joy of becoming the mother of TWO, I had spend two years losing weight and trying to be a healthier individual. I had portion control down, and I walked several days out of the week. Who would have thought it would be so difficult to get back to that after having a baby?!!

During my pregnancy, I gained, roughly, 30 pounds. After giving birth to our son, I lost 20 of that...almost immediately! Then, I began the rollercoaster of gaining and losing - up 10, down 5, up 2, down 7, etc. Well, I finally managed to get back down to that 20 pound loss mark, but I still have 10 to go in order to get back to pre-pregnancy weight.

For most people, that would be a final goal, but I still have a good 50-60 pounds more to go, after that, just to get to the place where the "charts" say I am at a healthy weight. Honestly, I haven't weighed that since I was in the sixth or seventh grade, so it will be something else if I ever manage to get there!

The thing about livng a healthier lifestyle in order to lose weight is that, if you are living with others that aren't living healthier, it makes it a much more difficult task. For this reason, I have asked my dear sweet husband to work with me, and we can become healthier together! Not only does this help give me will power to succeed, it also gives me a bit of "competition" - so to speak. He's already starting out 10 pounds less than me, so he certainly has a head start! I'm sure it will backfire on me, at some point, since he can lose weight rather rapidly. It'll all be worth it, in the end, when we can all be healthy together!

I also have noticed that, as Kaylee gets older, our bad eating habits are beginning to rub off on her. I can't rightly tell her to eat veggies instead of chips as I stand there with a bag of Doritos in hand! She also needs to know that you can eat broccoli without it being smothered in cheese, and burgers don't have to have a half-pound of bacon on them. Don't get me wrong...we are not giving up any of these things, but we are cutting down on the amount that we eat. That is how I successfully lost 85 pounds, and it is how I intend to lose the next round of fat!

I have had a number of people come to me to find out what secret remedy I used to lose so much weight. They all wanted to know what shake, what pill, what fad I had picked up on. The thing about all of those fads is that they are not maintainable! Sure, I can replace high calorie meals with low calorie shakes, and I will lose weight. At some point, though, you get hungry for real food, and most people end up gaining back twice that of what they lost in the first place. Instead, figure out what your average daily caloric intake is, and begin by cutting that by a quarter or third - depending on your tolerance. You gradually cut it down...that's key!

Don't forget that you NEED to eat three separate meals a day. For those who think skipping breakfast will help them lose since they aren't eating those calories, you are sadly mistaken. As my mother's physician recently told her, even if you are not eating breakfast, your body still needs calories to function. Instead of using the fat stores you have, though, your brain tells your body to metabolize your brain sugars instead. Eventually, this can lead to problems concentrating, memory loss, and other even more serious conditions. Instead of avoiding breakfast, choose to eat a small, high protein, low calorie breakfast instead. I prefer one-egg cheese omelettes, toast or oatmeal and orange juice or coffee to drink! None of these things take a long time to get together. If you are an eggs and bacon person, eat one egg instead of two and one slice of bacon instead of three! Eat one pancake instead of a full stack. Even if you aren't hungry, eat something! It makes all the difference - I promise!

Snacking is the devil! If you must do it, like me, keep on hand things like fresh fruit/veggies, yogurt, cheese sticks, saltine crackers, granola bars, etc. Usually, I find I'm either craving sweet or salty, and if I feed that craving, I am set until the next meal! Don't fall into the trap of "grazing" because it ALWAYS ends badly. "Grazing" is trying a bit of each thing until you find what you were actually hungry for. Before you know it, your 100 calorie snack has become a 400 calorie snack buffet!

New mom munchies - I had issues with this. I felt like I had no time to eat a good meal, so I was grabbing snacks at every free moment I had. Not only did this not help with my weight loss, but it made me feel just plain awful! Eating healthier makes you feel happier and more energetic! Nobody can say that starving yourself does the same thing!

Eating out... "Salad for me, please." That, is a terrible idea! For one, the salads most of us get are no healthier than any other entree on the menu. Cheese, bacon, dressing.... If you just like salad, go for it, but don't deny yourself the food you like to eat. My trick is...wait for it....LEAVE SOME FOOD ON YOUR PLATE!!! I know, this is easier said than done. I enjoy my steak and baked potato, so I order it! I eat half, and I leave the rest. This one is difficult for my husband, of course, because he's all about eating what you paid for. Other options for you frugal types is sharing with your spouse/children or taking home leftovers. You can also order children's portions or take advantage of half-orders. Get a Junior burger as opposed to a double bacon cheeseburger. Did you know that Sonic offers a regular sized chili-cheese hotdog, and you DON'T have to get the footlong coney?!! I think you get the point!

Get some activity in, folks! You wouldn't believe the workout you get from just pulling weeds in your flowerbeds! Play with your kids...they are the ultimate personal trainers! Go for a walk. Quit shopping online, and get your behind to the store! You wouldn't believe how many calories you can burn with the slightest bit of activity.

Get the family involved! Like I mentioned before, losing weight on your own is difficult, but if you get your family to join you, there is accountability and support. Cook meals together, play sports together, spend time together. It's all about getting healthy - physically, mentally and emotionally! Get yourself in-shape, and get your family in-shape!

So, that's it... It's nothing fancy. It's not magic in a bottle. You can give me three installments of $19.99 if you'd like, but it's not necessary! In one week of getting back to this, I am already down two pounds. If that isn't enough for you, you don't understand how losing weight works. You didn't gain it in a month, and you won't lose it that way, either! A couple pounds a week is pretty average...and over time, it does make a difference!

So, join me in my journey! Give it a try, and share your success! Good luck in your quest for a healthier life, and don't forget - it's NOT a diet! It's a lifestyle!

Love and Blessings,
Jessie

Where did the time go?

I've been absolutely AWFUL about blogging, lately! It just seems that there is never enough time in the day, and I'm just too exhausted when the evening rolls around. That...or Pinterest is keeping me occupied!

To catch up on things, Bryson is now THREE MONTHS OLD, and my baby girl is almost FIVE AND A HALF YEARS OLD! I ask myself everyday, "Where did the time go?" It's already July, and in less than two months, Kaylee will be leaving me to become a Kindergartner. I finally broke down and ordered her backpack, and it came the other day. It looked so big...until I put it on her. It made her look like such a big girl! Well...I suppose she is, but I'd rather not admit it.

So many things worry me about Kaylee starting school. My number one worry is how many times she will be visiting Mr. Harper in the principal's office! I know, I know...she's a good kid, but she has a little trouble listening and would much rather do what she wants rather than what she is told to do. I'm hoping she will surprise us, and be the PERFECT student (just like Mommy was)! She's incredibly smart and creative, so I have no worries about her scholastic performance. It's the social aspect that I think we'll have issues with. She's a social butterfly, which can be good and bad. She has been known to, on occasion, forget the task at hand while conversating on irrelevant subjects. For example, during soccer she spent more time telling the other little girls that she liked their hair or shoes than paying attention to what was going on in the game! Another big issue we are going to have to deal with is BOYS! For some reason, little boys like our little girl...A LOT! We've made it clear that she cannot have a boyfriend...not anytime soon. She loves attention, though, and she's easily coerced into things she's not supposed to do. I'm working on teaching her that being an individual is very important - as is thinking for yourself. We've also been talking about the fact that you should treat EVERYONE with respect, and that includes people that may be disrespectful to you. We've all judged and been judged in our lifetime, so you know what I'm talking about. I'm trying to teach Kaylee to be a kind-hearted, respectful friend to all. I've told her that everyone is different, we all come from different backgrounds, and everyone deserves the same amount of consideration. Trying to teach your child not to laugh or poke fun at others is a difficult task...mostly, because they haven't experienced as much hatefullness in their lifetime. Kaylee's been even more sheltered, so I'll be waiting for that day when she comes home crying because of something someone did or said that hurt her feelings. Despite her confidence, she is sensitive like her mommy! I know school will be a great experience for Kaylee, but I can't help but want to guard her from all of the evils in the world!

As for Bryson, our boy is getting BIG! At three months old, he is already weighing in at 15 pounds...a month ahead of where his sister was in growth. He's still a shorty though! I'm pretty sure he is wanting to up his feeding volume at the moment, but it's difficult for me to move him up from six ounces every three hours! I just don't understand where he puts it all. He's becoming quite the little ham, and he smiles all the time. He began grabbing his toys a couple weeks ago, just after finding his hands the week before! He wakes up so happy in the mornings, and he giggles like crazy! He does have a temper, though, when it's time to eat or if he's overly tired. He is still sleeping through the night, in general, with the occasional early wake-up at 4 or 5 in the morning. I think he'd sleep longer with a diaper that would hold more and an extra ounce of formula before bed. He had his first swim this summer, and he LOVES the water! He's going to be a fish just like his big sister. We went camping this past weekend, and he enjoyed playing in the river, as well! He stayed with my parents in their fifth-wheel trailer, so he hasn't had that tent experience just yet. I have no doubt that he would have done fine in it though. He is also lifting his head up, completely, when laying on his tummy! He is very strong, and moves all over his crib already. I think he'll end up crawling before he rolls over at the rate he is going. I joke that he'll be like a turtle in that, when put on this back, he won't be able to go anywhere! Bryson is crazy about his big sister, and he laughs at everything she does. I think they are going to be the best of friends!

I don't know what I'll be doing someday when my kids grow up, but I know that, for now, they are keeping me busy 110% of the time! Between sports, dancing, school, doctor's visits and trying to find family time, our lives are full and fantastic. Even on the most hectic of days when I am pulling my hair out by the handfuls (literally), and my head aches from telling Kaylee for the 17th time to do something, I know I am so very blessed to have these kiddos in my care! I wouldn't trade them for the world! I know that time will keep flying by, so I am doing everything in my power to enjoy every moment with them. Before I know it, another day has gone by, and the most important thing is that I am there for every special moment! That way, I can be sure to answer that ultimate question of , "Where did the time go?"

Love and Blessings,
Jessie