Has my fairytale ended?

If you had asked me, when I was younger, if I ever thought I'd be a stay-at-home mom, I probably would have told you that you were crazy for even asking such a question. When I became a mother, my ideals of what I wanted for myself and my family totally changed. I had originally planned on going back to work after having Kaylee - even up until she was born. Of course, when I held my precious baby girl, I knew that it wouldn't ever be possible to leave her. Fortunately, Gene's work has allowed for this, and I am beyond grateful for the years I have had to be with my baby girl through every single moment of her life! Our plans, since then, have remained the same. I would stay at home with all of our children until they all reach school age. Our plans, though, didn't include a downward spiral of our economy, and the past couple years have been pretty tough on our family. I have put a lot of thought into how I could help our situation, and the most logical answer I have is for me to go back to work. There is one big reason I am opposed to this, though, and his name is Bryson.

Every time I even think about him or stare into those soulful brown eyes of his, it breaks my heart to think of someone else raising my son. There is not a single person that can love and nurture Bryson as well as I can. Nobody else knows his cry and what it means. Nobody else deserves to see his first step and hear his first word said for the first time more than me. How can I leave my baby to be someone else's after-thought? Why would God allow me this precious gift and not allow me to be there for him? Yes, I am being selfish. I am sad and brokenhearted at the thought. I am overwhelmed with guilt for not being able to be a part of our son's life the way I have been with our daughter's. I, honestly, don't know if I can do it. I don't think I am strong enough to.

I realize that women go to work and leave their children in the care of others every single day. I have many friends who are working mothers, and I admire them for being able to juggle all of the day-to-day activities of being wives, mothers and working women. For some of them, they have careers that they are passionate about. For others, it's a matter of livelihood.

Fredericksburg isn't exactly the mecca for good paying jobs, and even with a Bachelor's and Master's degree under my belt, I don't foresee myself finding employment that is going to be majorly beneficial to my family. Even when I was working, before Kaylee was born, I never even made over $20,000 in a year while working a fulltime job. Take away childcare from that, and what is left? I will have to put Bryson in daycare, plus have to have someone to care for Kaylee afterschool and take her to all of the activities she is involved in. With Kaylee being in school in Harper, I will have to find someone willing to take her to Fredericksburg at least two days a week for dance, alone. How much will all of this cost us, and how much will I end up actually bringing to our family in the end?

I have given thought to several options that would work out better for us, but everything will require some sacrifice. I have thought about substitute teaching, but what will I do with Bryson on those days? My mom could take him on occasion, but she has things to do on her days off, too.  If I could find someone who could take him on short notice and randomly, I would be more than willing to do this! I would love to get serious about my photography, but that would require having people that would actually want me to photograph their children and families. That takes time, but it's something I would really love and enjoy doing. I could watch a couple kids, which is totally do-able, but parents would have to be open to me taking them along with me when I run Kaylee to her afterschool activities. I'm sure Bryson would love having someone to play with, here at the house, though! I've even given thought to working evenings or nights. Who needs sleep, anyways? I'd give it up for my family...they are worth the sacrifice.

Where does Gene stand on all of this? Well, he is opposed. He doesn't think me working nights would be a suitable option since there are lots of mornings where he has to leave at 2 or 3 in the morning for work, and the kids wouldn't have anyone to be home with them during that time. At the same time, he doesn't want someone else taking care of Bryson, other than me. He said that something bad would happen to him, and we'd never forgive ourselves. We are at a stalemate.

I am open to any suggestions that anyone has, at this point. Truthfully, if I could even find something temporary to help out for the next few months, we'd probably be okay.

Would anybody interested in booking some photo sessions with an amateur photographer? I'd be willing to do one-hour sessions for a $50 session fee, and I'd give you a CD with all the edited images and rights to print as you please. If I could build up some clientele, it would be a great jumpstart to doing something I really enjoy. Here is some of my work, if you haven't already seen it:

If you are interested, or have any helpful advice about our situation, I'd love to hear from you! Until then, I am praying for strength, understanding and answers.

Love and blessings,
Jessie