I could be sad today...

May 27, 2011....It's just another day on the calender to most people, but to me, it will forever have another meaning. May 27th was the day our baby was due to come into this world. I have dreaded this day for the past seven months. Seven months, that's how long it's been since our little angel we call Bethany, left our lives.

I never thought I would be able to handle this day as well as I have, so far. Granted, it's only noon as I write his blog, but I feel in my heart a feeling that comes unexpectedly - like the feeling of a wound that has healed. Don't get me wrong, the scar will forever be there, but the hurt fades more each day.

I wrote a letter to Bethany a week from the day I found out I was losing her. It was painful, but theraputic. Today, I will sit down with the only photos I have of her, taken the day I saw her heart beating, and I will read that letter. Then, I will put it away and do my best to promise myself to move on.

There is another child awaiting it's time to be our miracle, and we can't wait to meet him, her or them - whatever God decides. Until then, rest in peace my sweet angel, and celebrate this day, the day you were going to be born! I will love you forever, and I'll see you again one day! ~Love, Mommy~

"Teachable Moments"

Free-falling into a pit of despair...

Okay, so life's not that far gone, yet, but I swear things are really starting to get to me more these days! The only thing worse than finding myself sad and discouraged is seeing my daughter that way. I guess it's that time in Kaylee's life to learn that not all people are nice.

Anyone that knows Kaylee, knows what an intelligent, fun-loving and friendly person she is. Many people are amazed that she manages to stay so up-beat with the "mean" parents she has. (We've been told by many people that we are way too hard on her, yet people admire what a well-behaved child she is.) Well, it's one thing for us to make her sad because we usually have a good reason. It's an entirely different story when someone else causes my child any kind of pain.

Recently, I have found myself down right angry when people are hurtful to Kaylee. Maybe it's my mother-hen mentality kicking in? Perhaps I regress to the memory all of the "bullies" I encountered in my life, and the thought of my child even having an ounce of that pain is pure anguish!

We all remember that saying, "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me." I have always understood the thought behind this, but we all know what a false statement it actually is. What really gets my panties in a bunch is when full-grown people (I won't call them adults because they're far from it) can say something to insult your child. Children are very literal, so maybe, this is why they are more easily hurt. So what if my child makes up her own songs that make no sense to us? It's beautiful to her, and in my eyes, it's pretty creative for a four-year-old to make up a song and remember it! Just because you don't like me, don't take it out on my child! How does that foot taste?!! Grow up already!

One thing I did expect to deal with in raising children is the fact that kids can be mean. Trust me, I understand this, and I've dealt with it my entire life. How difficult is it, though, to teach your kids to be nice? I remind Kaylee, daily, that there are many people in the world, and we are all different. Different doesn't mean bad.

I grew up with a scewed perception of reality. In our community, there weren't openly gay couples, and there were few multiracial families. People married people who looked like them, and then they had children - in that order. Special needs kids were kept separate in schools, except during recess and lunch, and as children, we freaked out when they chased us around the playground like there were monsters after us. I look back at these memories, and they make me sad. That was the way, then, and our parents chose to raise us with the beliefs they were raised with. I know that my upbringing would have been far different with my parents today. Oh, the way my parents have changed throughout the years! I have to hand it to them for being able to become more openminded and easy-going with age! They were young parents doing the best they could the only way they knew how. I guess they didn't do too bad because they ended up with two openminded, kind-hearted girls!

I have family that dislike me because they think I am closeminded, even though they've taken no time to realize that my mindset is not that of our grandparents. I love my bestfriend and the wonderful man she married. I love the child they have, and I pray that being cross-cultured only makes her life more meaningful! I'm sure in her lifetime, some other child will ask her why she doesn't look like her mommy. I'm raising my child to know that trivial things like that aren't important - it's what's inside that matters most! I know that there are several people in my life that are far from traditional, but I wish them all the happiness in the world, and I hope they find their soulmates to spend eternity with!

A couple weeks ago, we were watching an episode of Grey's Anatomy, and two women were getting married. Kaylee was sitting in my lap, and knowing her curiosity, I knew a thought was building in that little head of hers. Finally, she turned to me and said, "There's two brides, Mama." I replied, "Uh-huh, does that confuse you?" She thought a minute and said, "No, but I want to marry a boy." Simple as that - it was over! I told her she could do whatever made her happy.

In that moment, I realized what a different upbringing our children have. They learn things so much earlier than we did. There is so much less time for them to actually be young and curious. Will I have to explain the "N-word" to Kaylee soon since her grandpa thinks it's okay to use around her? Probably. Does she already know a dozen words that kids shouldn't say? Yep! Are we teaching her that she shouldn't say them? Absolutely!

It seems very simple, teach your children right from wrong. Life is filled with "teachable moments" that can be utilized to show your child how to be a good person, or even learn a thing or two yourself! Those of us with children have the opportunity of a lifetime. We get to mold our children into decent human beings! How great is that?!! Now, it's up to you as parents to take advantage of that fact, and try your best to raise loving, caring and respectful children! Just remember that your child has watchful eyes and they are listening, even when you think they aren't. Lead by example, and take those "teachable moments" to do just that - teach!

Love and blessings,
Jessie

I'm happy for you....really, I am!

While visiting with one of my friends over the weekend, we got into a conversation about another friend who had, unfortunately, experienced a miscarriage nearly halfway into her pregnancy. She had the same experience I had shortly after my miscarriage, where all of her friends were just announcing thier pregnancies. This was the way things seemed to happen for me, too, in the months following my loss. Anyone who has been through this kind of tragedy knows that feeling you get when you hear someone else's exciting news. You want to be happy for them. You are happy for them, but the last thing you want to do right now is be happy for them when you are so sad for you. I had to work through my sadness, while watching my sister's belly grow full of baby. When I'd find myself feeling this way, I reminded myself that during my pregnancy with Kaylee, she had to go through the same thing. I suppose it makes us stronger to have to confront such emotions, but if you're anything like me, it makes you feel terrible to ever feel that jealous, sad feeling. Seven months after our miscarriage, I still find myself falling weak to emotions like those.

Kaylee and I had some errands to run today in Fredericksburg and Kerrville, so we got up this morning, got ready, and went on our way. I stopped by the pharmacy to pick up a prescription and then decided to run by my doctor's office to see if my doctor had a minute to discuss my fertility options. I just happened to run into my sister at the clinic getting my niece's four month checkup, so immediately, my morning was going better! I love watching my sister with her baby girl! She waited so long to give birth to a child of her own, and she's such a great mother to both my niece and nephew. I'm genuinely happy for her!

I ended up having a two hour wait at the office, so there was plenty time to people watch while I was there. The thing that tends to bother me most about my doctor's office is when there are people in the waiting area not controlling their children. Today, this was not an issue because the office fairly empty. The morning appointments seemed to be mostly for a few babies and pregnant women. Ordinarily, I suppose it wouldn't have been an issue, but since the reason for my visit was my inability to become pregnant, you can say the subject was on my mind. I watched a young couple exit from their visit with the doctor, carrier in hand. They appeared a bit tired looking, like new parents tend to be! I thought, to myself, about all the emotions that they must be going through right now - happiness, fear, excitement. Then a strange feeling came upon me - jealousy. Why do they get a baby and not me? I quickly stopped the thought and repremanded myself for having such awful feelings. Just then another young couple entered the clinic. She looked to be halfway through her pregnancy, and he was busy tending to their toddler daughter. Immediately, I began to try to figure out how far apart their children would be. Even if we are able to conceive this year, Kaylee will be at least five years old when we have another baby. I always thought I'd have my children closer together, but, as I have been told many times, you can't always plan these things! At that moment, watching the little girl digging through her diaper bag, I became sad for Kaylee, for her relationship with her sibling will be far different from the relationship this little girl will have with her new baby brother or sister. Will Kaylee be able to have that special relationship with someone so much younger? Will she feel extreme jealousy for losing the attention she's had for five years? Goodness, what if we end up having a boy? Kaylee's made it clear that she does not want a baby if it isn't a girl. The nurse called the family back, and my mind sprung back to reality. There they went, to hear a heartbeat, one that I may or may not ever hear again. I was sad. Kaylee must have noticed because she asked me, "What's wrong, Mama?" I gave her a half-smile and replied, "Nothing. I'm just thinking." She inquired, "Thinking about what?" I responded, "Babies." She replied, "I want a baby, too, Mama! That's why we're here." I thought, "Your lips to God's ears, baby girl!"

I reluctantly watched several other young mothers enter and exit the clinic, and then finally, I got to go back to see my doctor. She had inquired about me to my sister earlier. I think she's been pretty concerned about me and making sure I am not depressed. My sister told her that I was sad but okay. "She wants a baby," she told her. This, my doctor knows. I have been in her office what seems like countless times trying to figure out what's keeping my body from doing what God intended it to do - have babies! "Keep trying" is the only thing that I have been hearing from my doctor for months. "Relax, and let it happen." Oh, if it were only that easy! I was hoping for something else today. As I watched my doctor enter the office, I had a different feeling about what today's outcome would be. We visited for a moment about how things had been going where we were at. Then, I did something I never do. I told my doctor what I wanted. "I want to try Clomid." These were scary words for me. I always feel like a small child talking to a grownup when at my doctor's office, unable to be in control of my own life. My doctor looked at me with a smile on her face, looked at her computer, and replied, "I think that's a good idea!" I was taken aback! I had half expected her to tell me the risks were too high, and that she didn't think it was right for me. She told me that my only risk at this point was twins, but if I was willing to accept the risk of a multiple birth, she would do what she could to help me!

So, that is where we stand. With a little help from science and a good dose of prayer, we are hoping this is the path we were meant to be on! With any hope, we will be the young couple entering the clinic, with our little girl in tow, soon! Until then, I still want to hear the wonderful announcements of my friends and family expecting, and I promise, I'm happy for you...I really am!

There's Never Enough Words...

Thank you! It just doesn't say enough sometimes. We send out thank you notes and letters hoping they do justice the gratitude that we actually feel for what someone did for us or how great they made us feel, but it just never says what we intended to get across in the message. Still, there are no two more appropriate words to use. So, to all my family and friends who made this weekend one of the most memorable, wonderful weekends of my life, I offer you those two greatly important words - thank you!

For anyone out of the loop, this weekend was my "30th  Birthday/Mother's Day Weekend!" It began Thursday evening, the night before my birthday. Kaylee's four-year-old excitement could be held back no further, and she and her daddy decided to give me my presents early! There was no wrapping paper to rip through nor any bows to discard, but a wonderful surprise awaited me. After months of hints about the poor speed of my old college computer, kindly named Nelly (we needed a sweet name for her when we were encouraging her to be productive), Gene took all the money from a side job he'd been working on the weekends and bought me a new laptop, wireless printer, router and external hardrive! Gene's never been a flowers and candy kind of guy, but he is more of an all or nothing man. My first birthday we celebrated when we were dating, I got a, "Happy Birthday!" Yep, that's it! My first Mother's Day, he neglected to even give me a card, much less a gift of any kind. After a day full of pouting, I did manage to get a dinner at Olive Garden out of him. He claimed that he had no idea that you were supposed to celebrate Mother's Day. Really?!!! I don't want to sound shallow, so let me make it clear. I have told him that he never has to spend money to get me a gift. A flower picked from the ground and a note scribbled on a sheet of paper would mean more to me than anything! That's just not his style, though. He's a go big, all the way, make her remember man when getting a gift, and he did a great job this time! I'd say he may be trying to make up for those past misgivings! (For those of you wondering, I always get him the coolest new toys he eyeballs, as well as make him all kinds of his favorite goodies!) That's beside the point, so back to the matter at hand. It was the start of my birthday weekend, and I thought the weekend was off to a great start!

Friday morning began as it always does. Gene left before the sun came up, but whispered, "Happy Birthday!" as he kissed me goodbye and went on his way to work. I slept a little while longer, but I suppose the excitement of the impending weekend was upon me! I went ahead and got up, showered, and fixed myself a cup of "birthday coffee." (Regular coffee, but it sounds more fun this way!) I sat down to check out my new laptop and work on learning to make a prettier blog. Exciting, I know! Kaylee finally awoke, and I fixed her some breakfast and turned on "her shows." She thought for a minute, and then wished me a happy birthday with a sleepy smile! I went about my day tidying up a bit, putting things away and prepping for any surprise company that we might get for the weekend. Before I knew it, it was lunch time. I asked Kaylee if she'd like to go eat. She said, "You can make me lunch." I made myself more clear that it was my birthday, and cooking was not on my list of things to do for the day. She obliged, and we headed to town for a nice lunch at Kelly's Cafe. We hadn't been there before, but Kaylee found PB&J on the menu and was immediately hooked! I settled on a salad, looking forward to the big dinner I'd be eating later that evening. We finished up and came home for Kaylee to nap and for me to finish getting my house presentable. When Gene arrived home that evening, the whole family went to town, and we ate a delicious dinner at Crossroads Steakhouse & Saloon. Here's a photo of me with my two loves at dinner!

The next day was the big day - party day! I had been so down the past year about turning 30, I wasn't sure that I wanted a party. Then, I went to help a few of my other friends celebrate their's, and it made me want one. My family put together a celebration that far exceeded what I deserved, and I enjoyed every single moment! I got to spend some special time with family that I see only a couple times a year, and I had a chance to visit with so many friends, old and new! The kids played in the big pool, even though it was crazy cold, and in some kiddie pools we set up, as well. They all got along wonderfully! Kaylee told me later that night that I have fun birthday parties just like her! I even got to take a photo with some very special ladies for my birthday! These girls were matron of honor, bridesmaid and maid of honor in my wedding, and we did the same photo at our housewarming party two years ago, but I don't seem to have a digital copy of it to attach at the moment. I do have to say that I think we've all gotten better with age!

It was, by far, the best birthday I've ever had! If I had to change a thing, it would have been to have more time to visit with everyone and perhaps a few other important people, ones that couldn't make it for one reason or another, to be able to have come. To those of you that were there, I love you and look forward to many more happy memories with you in the future!

I've got to say that after those two days were over, I knew my luck had to be running out. Things were going way too perfect! The plan for Mother's Day was to take the boat out to Canyon Lake for some fun in the sun the way we used to when we were growing up. The weather forecast was not looking great, though, and to no avail, it took my plans and threw them in my face! (Everyone together now, "Awwwwww...") Don't feel too bad for me, though! Determined to make lemonade out of lemons, we "Moms" hounded the "Dads" until they read our minds and decided to take us out for a nice lunch! There was much more drama involved there, but I'll let you read between the lines. We didn't hit the road until noon, so we anticipated a wait at any restaurant we chose. Pappadeaux in San Antonio was the choice, and two hours was the wait! We killed the first hour with a cocktail from the bar, and made it through the second hour with trips to the restroom for some relief from the heat and humidity outside. Here's my baby girl and me waiting out on the porch!

It was three o'clock when we were seated at our table and nearly five o'clock when we left to head back home with happy, full bellies! We thought we'd take a dip in the pool when we made it back home, but it was definitely more of a "dip the toes in" day for Mama. We settled with letting the kids and Gene enjoy a cool, crisp swim while we all enjoyed a short visit before it was time to head home. The best part of the day - spending it with the most important Mamas in my life and the Daddies and children that helped make us Mamas! I love you all, dearly, and I hope you enjoyed the day as much as I did!

So, there it is! Lots of words to sum up a fantastic weekend, but not even close to enough to have you understand the profound affect it had on my heart! I have only begun to experience what is to come in my third decade of life, but I like what I've seen so far! Thank you to all of my family and friends for this remarkable leap into a beautiful life to come!

Love and Blessings,
Jessie

Officially the big ol' dirty thirty!

So, it is finally happening! I am officially turning 30 tommorrow morning. I suppose this is the decade for a new beginning, right?!! I've been dreading this day for so long now, I don't quite remember what I was so terrified of to begin with. (Oh, no! The age is getting to me already!)


In all actuality, it's just a number. I've been celebrating anniversaries of my 21st birthday for the past eight years. What was so great about 21? Well, that's a silly question, but so many great things have happened since then. In those eight years, I finished two college degrees, met and married the love of my life, had the most beautiful child I could have ever imagined and built our dream home! Sounds great to me! If I was a 100% "glass half full" kind of gal, this would be a great accomplishment. I've always been big on setting goals way too high and being oh so disappointed when I don't accomplish every single one.


Of all the goals I set to accomplish before I turned 30, there's only two that I didn't reach. One of those goals was to be a successful contributor to my family. I had to forego this goal for a new one that I wanted a little bit more - to be a stay-at-home-mom! You could say they are one in the same, for I do contribute to my family in many ways. I never imagined staying at home would be in my future, but I wouldn't trade it for the world! 


The second goal was to have another child. This one cuts deep because, had I not miscarried in October of last year, I'd be having our baby this month. That would have been the greatest 30th birthday gift ever! Nonetheless, God had other plans for our family. We will keep trying for more children, and we'll see what is meant to be!


I was able to accomplish one thing that I never expected. I have managed to lose eight years worth of weight gain! For some, this is nothing. For me, this is everything! Anyone who knows me knows that I have struggled with weight issues my entire life. I self-loathed for many years. I literally hated myself for what I looked like. When you get to that point, you, more or less, give up. It took college and friends to finally learn to accept something that I figured would never change, and it took meeting my husband for me to love myself. Loving yourself doesn't make the weight fall off, though. I got comfortable, and put on another 70 pounds. With all the beautiful things I have been blessed with in my life, I finally figured out that I finally had something to live for. I slowly started trying to lose weight in January of last year. As of May 1st, I have lost over 70 pounds! That's a fat gymnist! I am far from finished, and I hope everyone of my loved ones know that I'm not doing this for me, alone. I am doing this for every single one of them, as well! I know I'll never be supermodel thin, but I will be healthy and here!


So, I guess if I want to have that great "new beginning" that comes along with being in my thirties (eeek!), I'll do it with grace. I'm going to set short, attainable goals and trust in the Lord to guide me through it all! I will be the best wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend that I can be! (That's not a big one at all - I know! Give me some time. I'm new at this!)


Time will tell what my thirties will bring to me, and time is telling me that I need to get rested up to ring in the "Next 30 Years" with all the people I love this weekend! I'm going into my thirties the same way I went into my twenties, with a big ol' party! The next time you all hear from me, that's right, I'll be 30!


Love and Blessings,
Jessie