I'm happy for you....really, I am!

While visiting with one of my friends over the weekend, we got into a conversation about another friend who had, unfortunately, experienced a miscarriage nearly halfway into her pregnancy. She had the same experience I had shortly after my miscarriage, where all of her friends were just announcing thier pregnancies. This was the way things seemed to happen for me, too, in the months following my loss. Anyone who has been through this kind of tragedy knows that feeling you get when you hear someone else's exciting news. You want to be happy for them. You are happy for them, but the last thing you want to do right now is be happy for them when you are so sad for you. I had to work through my sadness, while watching my sister's belly grow full of baby. When I'd find myself feeling this way, I reminded myself that during my pregnancy with Kaylee, she had to go through the same thing. I suppose it makes us stronger to have to confront such emotions, but if you're anything like me, it makes you feel terrible to ever feel that jealous, sad feeling. Seven months after our miscarriage, I still find myself falling weak to emotions like those.

Kaylee and I had some errands to run today in Fredericksburg and Kerrville, so we got up this morning, got ready, and went on our way. I stopped by the pharmacy to pick up a prescription and then decided to run by my doctor's office to see if my doctor had a minute to discuss my fertility options. I just happened to run into my sister at the clinic getting my niece's four month checkup, so immediately, my morning was going better! I love watching my sister with her baby girl! She waited so long to give birth to a child of her own, and she's such a great mother to both my niece and nephew. I'm genuinely happy for her!

I ended up having a two hour wait at the office, so there was plenty time to people watch while I was there. The thing that tends to bother me most about my doctor's office is when there are people in the waiting area not controlling their children. Today, this was not an issue because the office fairly empty. The morning appointments seemed to be mostly for a few babies and pregnant women. Ordinarily, I suppose it wouldn't have been an issue, but since the reason for my visit was my inability to become pregnant, you can say the subject was on my mind. I watched a young couple exit from their visit with the doctor, carrier in hand. They appeared a bit tired looking, like new parents tend to be! I thought, to myself, about all the emotions that they must be going through right now - happiness, fear, excitement. Then a strange feeling came upon me - jealousy. Why do they get a baby and not me? I quickly stopped the thought and repremanded myself for having such awful feelings. Just then another young couple entered the clinic. She looked to be halfway through her pregnancy, and he was busy tending to their toddler daughter. Immediately, I began to try to figure out how far apart their children would be. Even if we are able to conceive this year, Kaylee will be at least five years old when we have another baby. I always thought I'd have my children closer together, but, as I have been told many times, you can't always plan these things! At that moment, watching the little girl digging through her diaper bag, I became sad for Kaylee, for her relationship with her sibling will be far different from the relationship this little girl will have with her new baby brother or sister. Will Kaylee be able to have that special relationship with someone so much younger? Will she feel extreme jealousy for losing the attention she's had for five years? Goodness, what if we end up having a boy? Kaylee's made it clear that she does not want a baby if it isn't a girl. The nurse called the family back, and my mind sprung back to reality. There they went, to hear a heartbeat, one that I may or may not ever hear again. I was sad. Kaylee must have noticed because she asked me, "What's wrong, Mama?" I gave her a half-smile and replied, "Nothing. I'm just thinking." She inquired, "Thinking about what?" I responded, "Babies." She replied, "I want a baby, too, Mama! That's why we're here." I thought, "Your lips to God's ears, baby girl!"

I reluctantly watched several other young mothers enter and exit the clinic, and then finally, I got to go back to see my doctor. She had inquired about me to my sister earlier. I think she's been pretty concerned about me and making sure I am not depressed. My sister told her that I was sad but okay. "She wants a baby," she told her. This, my doctor knows. I have been in her office what seems like countless times trying to figure out what's keeping my body from doing what God intended it to do - have babies! "Keep trying" is the only thing that I have been hearing from my doctor for months. "Relax, and let it happen." Oh, if it were only that easy! I was hoping for something else today. As I watched my doctor enter the office, I had a different feeling about what today's outcome would be. We visited for a moment about how things had been going where we were at. Then, I did something I never do. I told my doctor what I wanted. "I want to try Clomid." These were scary words for me. I always feel like a small child talking to a grownup when at my doctor's office, unable to be in control of my own life. My doctor looked at me with a smile on her face, looked at her computer, and replied, "I think that's a good idea!" I was taken aback! I had half expected her to tell me the risks were too high, and that she didn't think it was right for me. She told me that my only risk at this point was twins, but if I was willing to accept the risk of a multiple birth, she would do what she could to help me!

So, that is where we stand. With a little help from science and a good dose of prayer, we are hoping this is the path we were meant to be on! With any hope, we will be the young couple entering the clinic, with our little girl in tow, soon! Until then, I still want to hear the wonderful announcements of my friends and family expecting, and I promise, I'm happy for you...I really am!